“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Actually cracking up @ this
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.