Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My current situation
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.