i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…