TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.