The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm