Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
You Might Also Like
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.