The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
God has left this place
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.