*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Practicing safe sax
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Meanwhile in Canada…
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*