[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest