<enter password>
ikilledaman
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*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.