Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater