ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.