Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Put this video in the Louvre
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.