Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home