When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.