[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please