doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
You Might Also Like
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Everything reminds me of my ex
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in