me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You Might Also Like
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
consequences, the bane of my existence
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.