Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Breaking news:
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“i am a sweet baby”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.