Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*