Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
dam girl
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!