Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
nyc:
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.