Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
You Might Also Like
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Terribly Tuesday.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.