Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.