judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”