4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE