Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him