her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
it’s finally my moment to shine
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.