WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
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no one likes gloating
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?