Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.