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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I wish I were this cool 😂
S O O N
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Trying
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼