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Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!