Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
dads on road-trips be like
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year