We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Time for evil
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I am HOWLING at this
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog