the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
You Might Also Like
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.