when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.