The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?