You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
when someone rings the doorbell
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes