I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
thanksgiving in nutshell
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
What kind of a cult is this?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile