I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
yes yes a thousand times yes!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Not all heroes wear capes.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you