HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry