Haha! 馃槀
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Oh you鈥檙e a yogi name one picnic basket you鈥檝e stolen
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look 鈥榚m right in the eyes and tell 鈥榚m I ran out of gas
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My sex drive has a dui
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn鈥檛 know it yet.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute鈥攕ay it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I鈥檝e looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school鈥檚 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they鈥檝e seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don鈥檛 even know why I exist.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.