Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.