SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
he’s doing your taxes
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Why is no one talking about this?!