[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
peeping toms
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.