I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
jesus, what did this guy do
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”