*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Haha! 😂
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok