Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Baller is short for ballerina
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead