I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen