Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Nice try Hitler
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie